Fraudulent.

You are
A fraud.
A liar.
A deciever.
A cheat.
A con.
A misleader.
A skunk.
A varmint.
A wretch.
A deluder.
A perjurer.
A felon.
A sinner.

You fake mother-fucker.

Don't say it's up to me.

Logan Circle - The Wonder Years.

The Wonder Years and Fireworks are putting me in such a good mood lately.

I'm afraid that we're wasting away
'cause we're all sleeping in circles
or talking shit in diners
and I've been better, but I'm feeling okay
I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just so tired most nights

And I've been drowning my sorrows
In Lucky Charms and Soy Milk
These are the things that keep me sane
Getting pretzels at midnight behind my house
at the price you, can't complain

We set of fireworks
Piss off the whole neighborhood
They keep me up having sex anyway,
seems much worse.
We'll set off a few more
Maybe I'll blow off a piece of this city I hate.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay.

My dad said on the phone last night that I've been acting weird.
He knows about what happened but not full detail.
I don't know think I've been acting weird.
I've just been avoiding being alone.
I've slept at one of my best friend's houses the past two nights, Mauricio's to be specific.
I know if I'm alone I'll think and just develop a deeper depression and find myself lost in my head.

For some reason everyone already knows that everything changed and keeps asking.
I don't feel like I'm acting different at all.
But everyone keeps asking about everything, despite me wanting to keep my mind off it.
But it's not their fault, they don't know and they just worry about me.
It feels really good to have such great friends, actually.

The littlest things about myself seem to be getting on my nerves it seems.
Seeing things on the computer. I think I may just ex-communicate myself from Facebook for a bit.
I'll just stick with Tumblr, Tumblr keeps me sane for the most part. It keeps my mind interested in so many different things that I don't have to worry about anything.
But, I just found myself growing incredibly angry over the fact that my power amplifier still having a terrible hum. For what the fuck reason, I have no clue.
It's not that big of deal, but for seem reason I grew incredibly irritable over it.
I'm not a dick in person yet. Well, I guess I always have been, but no more than usual.

Maybe I should just turn into an ass hole.
I'm already part way there. I'm in no senses nice, so maybe I should just be a full on prick about everything.
I've already started developing a sense of lowering my trust factor.
So only a little longer until I'm just another useless shithead.

Eh, who knows if I'll really do that. It still feels good to put out the idea.

Either way, I don't know how to hold down a front.
More and more questions pop up, but maybe the more that people learn, the less I have to worry.
I'm just over steady things. I've been over everything in this city.
I'm just sticking tight to my friends and family, because that's about all I have now that so many people that I thought I could always count on have discontinued me.
Yeah that's it.
I just have to remember to stick tight.
Because I have the very best bestfriends in the entire world.
Fuck everything else.

I want something to go right and stay right for once.

Everything is just up and down and up and down and I'm fucking sick of it.

I'm fucking sick of sitting here writing all this down for no one to fucking read.
I keep smacking my phone on the ground, I'm just waiting for it to break honestly.
I need to just lay down.
Wipe my mind.

What the fuck.

I about broke my phone just now.
Woo.
Fuck this shit.
SJLG"KL:SHDL:GBHSDOGS:LDSGBLKJBHG:LKJSBHG:LKHGB:LKSDJGBL:KSJDGJVLK
Fuck all of this shit.

And I was actually starting to feel better, as fucked up and weird as the way I went about making me feel better was, it worked.
But this,
I thought I was just going to get told all of the things I did wrong.
I was legitimately looking forward to it.
I love being told things like that for some odd reason.
Because it means I have something to improve on.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

Human beings are the epitome of everything terrible in this world.
Fuck all these emotions inside of me.
Fuck all of the things that humans can actually do.



I need to take a trip up to Carson City, see everything that I haven't seen in about six years.
Yeah, yeah. That sounds, really great actually.
Something actually sounds really great for once.
Get the hell out of here.

I'm still sticking by the conclusion that I'm a misanthrope.

Who gives one single fuck?

Really?

Fuck this, fuck me.

Why can't I get this right?

So this is looking like a good Christmas.

Despite everything that happened yesterday, this was a great Christmas.
Probably one of my most favored ever.
I'm glad I was able to eventually defuse things yesterday. I think that may have been what caused things to turn around so well.

I'm stoked on everything I got obviously.
Hartke VX810 8x10 cabinet, exactly what I needed and basically the only thing I really asked for.
My new feather oxfords, I definitely needed some new shoes and these are looking mighty classy.
A new generation Ipod nano, I wasn't expecting this at all. Oh how I love my sister.
A toaster Oven, definitely was not expecting this either. Going to love this, even after I move out!
Miscellaneous other things, I'll definitely enjoy, such as my Target gift card and my new tuner.

But what's even better than all of that, is having a nice care-free day with the family.
Lately it wasn't feeling like Christmas, but this turned it all around.
Hooray for today, I love my family.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

I can't fucking wait to get away from you and this place.

I can already feel that I'm not going to keep in touch that well,
it's not like you'll care anyway though.
I obviously do nothing for you, right?

How melodramatic am I?
I don't even know what I'm doing with my future.
But who honestly gives one fuck how I end up?
Maybe I can just be some old hermit in Salt Lake City or Oregon.
I guess it depends if I can even find work.
Regardless of all of that, I'll be happy to get out of here.

Perfect.

I've come to the conclusion;

I am a misanthrope.

Sometimes;

You really get on my nerves.

I say how I'm feeling, and you put me down for it and play it off as though I have no clue what I'm talking about.
Even after how I try to take care of you and whatnot,
the second I do anything wrong I'm put down for it.

Yeah, you do talk about what a great kid I am, to everyone else, so why can't you talk to me like that more.
Not every little thing has to be a big put down.
Sorry I put away a few dirty dishes, I thought sixteen your olds make mistakes sometimes, but I guess I thought wrong.
It's not like I'm making the mistake to do drugs, or drink, or break the law, or to steal, or to pick fights, or to do any of that.
Sorry you don't recognize when I do help around the house.
Sorry I'm not perfect and am going to USC and am getting their masters in dentistry or whatever the fuck it is.
Sorry that I try to cover up for my brother's mistakes and get taken down for it just because I'm older and should know.
Sorry one of your kids fucked up pretty bad and is now getting on track at the age of 34.
You don't have to nit pick every little thing.
You're really one of the greatest people in my life, and I truly love you; but sometimes you need to back off.
I realize you're sick and whatnot, but let me take care of you and actually do my jobs.
Just because he messed up, doesn't mean you need to put me down.
I'm fucking sick of it.

I'll probably just attempt to fall asleep to some Bon Iver and try to think that nothing is wrong again.
Goodnight.

What am I doing?

What do I really deserve?

Insane.

It's crazy to think about everything we went through,
all the secrets we told, all the things we knew.
How much we believed we loved each other.
I threw away everyone else for you on so many different occasions.
And you did the same.
You were everything to me, somehow.
I don't even understand how it did manage to get as far as it did.
How I managed to care about you so much.
I feel so naive looking back.
But it all helped me in the end.
It made me a better man, at least in my mind.
I have a good life now I guess you could say.
At least, to a point. It's not all great at all, but it's better to be positive.
But I'll always, always miss you.

Except now, you're pregnant.
With someone's child.
A twenty-four year old that won't do shit.
I don't understand why that makes me so angry,
but it does.
That's not fair for a man to do that to you.
At least I know you will have things under control.
Despite being in and out of the hospital so much recently,
I know you will.
Hopefully this child doesn't mess up things with school.
You need to be able to do something with your life.
You've been undermined by everything your entire life,
and you've survived it all.
So it's clear you'll survive school, and work, and the hospital trips, and the baby.
I've got my faith.
And despite you not having the same faith I do, I'll pray for you.
Just like I always have.

I'll always consider you a blessing in my life.
But I'm glad we don't speak, to an extent.
I'll always be there when you need something, anything.
But I can't let you become too important again.
it would only further complicate everything I have going on.
Even though you usually just help me with everything,
it's best.

I'd still like to see the tattoo.
And I hope your nieces are doing well and are growing brighter and brighter each day.
I hope you are as well.
I'll always miss you and care about you, like I have said.
But;
Goodbye, for now.

Eyeless, I see.

A broken man with a broken mind,
Torn down to the very bone of his knees.
"What do I do, what do I do when everything has turned on me?"
Lies cast upon his bare back, blame cast upon the innocent.
How dare you do so much as show your face to the one you spit on.
You are the catalyst. You are the one who did this.
Can you not see this man, despite the compassion he has for you,
must do what's best for his life.
Which means keeping you at bay.
You took the swing full of hate, for no fucking reason.
A mind with no place to turn, because of your own undermining ways.
You are a killer.
I thank God that this man is so much as still a living being,
With how far you drove him to the brink.
The brink of corruption.
Luckily there was enough realization to keep his mind steady.
The pinnacle of a man drawn to his lowest point.
You make me hate the human race so much more.
You're lucky you were even given half the chances you did,
yet you soiled them all.
Stop cutting down one that holds status so far above you.
You're lying just to create an equilibrium between your misery and him,
because you know he will be happier.
Because you KNOW he deserves more than what you have given or have to offer.
Give it up you fake mother fucker.
Fuck. You.



It's amazing how words can cause so much pain.
How just a few words can hurt more than a full swung fist.
How words can cause such a tremendous breakdown.
Fuck the human race, we're all corrupt.

This is seriously the best thing, ever.

My head is pounding.

That is the hardest thing I've ever had to think through.
But I am completely certain of this.
I can see it, so clearly now.

What do I really want?

What do I see in the future?
What do I not want to give up?

This going to be hard, I believe this will be another night of little sleep.

I;

I spent my night staring at the ceiling.
What the fuck did I just do?

I'm such a fucking prick.

I really am.

I don't deserve shit.