Sunday, November 28, 2010

I really need you right now.

I need your help and your comfort.
But I've already gone overboard trying to talk to you.
Hopefully things start feeling better around here.
It's too loud too think.

Sun Airway - Waiting On You.

Why is this song so good? Why is this band so good?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y086e07jBgw&feature=related

Don't go down so gently into those deep wells; 
remember your knees in the wet grass.
I know we've been so lost and torn up
in forests so solemn with regret and sorrow.

Reach for my, reach for my, reach for my hands;
they're seldom so open and reckless with hope—
more often with caution stead fast to the rope.
I've never seen myself so graceful and light;
asleep deep in each other's memories tonight.

I'm just waiting on you to bring yourself to justice.
Forget about the past—it's all wet and rusted.
I'm just waiting on you to know we've been discovered,
that what we've been's been uncovered.
I'm just waiting on you.

Don't go down so gently into those deep wells.
We cast shadows past in those wounded fields
and something seems so awfully awry in the meadow:
a silence that creeps through the dead grass.

Reach for my, reach for my, reach for my hands
they're icy as sheets in the stiff night.
We whisper with tales of defeats 
and wild days behind us so ragged and weak 
while desperation seeps through the wide sky we'll speak 
with the other's each others so sunken, so deep, 
alone but together we've emptied our dreams
on the floor of this New York apartment we creep 
through a darkness we never we thought we would see.
Your heartbeat and shirt sleeves, your hair on my cheek.
I'd die now if only it were up to me.

I'm guessing we wandered to close to the water.
The current's been sweeping us in.

I'm just waiting on you to bring yourself to justice.
Forget about the past—it's all wet and rusted.
I'm just waiting on you to know we've been discovered,
that what we've been's been uncovered.
I'm just waiting on you to let go of sharp objects
and keep those hands kept in context.
I'm just waiting on you to breathe without permission,
acutely drawn with precision.
I'm just waiting on you.

I'm guessing we wandered to close to the water.
The current's been sweeping us in. 

Seriously,

Why am I so fucking negative?

I need to just grow some balls and realize everything will be okay.
There's got to be more to life than complaining.

I want to sleep.

But I can't.
It feels impossible.
I'm not okay with this.
All I want to do this throw up.

If you mean everything you say, then treat me like it.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

I was born trying to formulate a path for myself, I know I'll die the same.
Every moment I wonder what I could be.
Wasting days just asking questions.
Where am I going?
Where have I been all these years?
A fucking coma,
dreaming and dreaming.
Shoving clocks down my throat just to keep from screaming.
Finally reaching reality, I have to stay.
And in these past few days that I've spend awake, I've seen your world of hate.
I found myself roused just to be tied down.
I see your body grow but your mind shrink away.
I hate everything you are. I hate everything you have become.
But maybe it's about time I just step away from the fucking mirror.
Maybe it's about time I just start to wander. 
Never come back, never come back.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Last night;

I had a talk that was ultimately really positive for me, but really negative towards a lot of people.
Not really anyone in particular, I just find so much disgust in human beings these days.
What are you doing with your life? What do you amount to?
In all reality, I'm not that judging. It's after I truly meet someone that I discover that I can't stand them.
Where's your maturity? Your character? Your care for someone other than yourself.
When can I have a conversation with you where I feel like it's worthy of what I have to say?
Not as in I'm better than anyone in any way, not in that matter at all. 
Just; is anyone going to mature? Is this conversation we're having really going to matter? If you can even call it conversation.
Don't get me wrong, there's always a time to be super out there and have fun, but like I just stated; there's a time. That time is definitely not all the time.
I just would really enjoy seeing more people with a direction. A purpose for what they speak about.
Not just someone out to say what ever will get them in with teh slutzzz.
Not just someone who is like everyone else.
You're putting up a mask that is an exact replica of every single other.
And for what? To be slightly more popular? 
What is that going to matter later, or at all for that matter?
No one will give a single fuck who you were in high school.
Get over yourself, get over everyone else. 
Be what you want to be, and grow some maturity and some true intelligence.
This is not a complaint of any sorts. It's just what I see almost every single day.
And I'm slowly weening out the people that have nothing worth saying.
Spending time strictly with those who actually have a clue. 
And you know what? It feels good. It feels right. 
No, this really isn't me being some negative hardcore kid or however you want to put it.
I'm being realistic. This world is shit. I could go on and on about this.
The only reason I don't want to keep most of these people around at all, is because I don't believe they're beneficiary to me and vice versa. 
I mean mentally beneficiary, by the way. I just want more people around me that are mentally stimulating.
If anyone really wants to have an intelligent conversation with me, and I mean anyone, I'm open for it.
I'm just getting tired of seeing such ignorance. And I don't want to be around someone who should be at an intelligent age, acting at an ignorant age.
I'm just looking for more brilliant minds, especially ones that far surpass mine; because there are many, and I mean many.
There's so much beauty in this world, and I'm going to try much harder to keep myself around it.




It's funny; I find myself listening to Stray From The Path so much lately.
This guy is actually incredibly intelligent.
He can be very negative, but for such a large part of things; he knows what he's talking about.
And when I get in these moods, they are all I can listen to.
I mean, look what I just posted; then look at this:
How easy is it to go through life disregarding everything?
Thoughtlessness flows in a time where wrong is right.
Yeah, I'm gonna prove you wrong.
Let me tell you about your flaws, I know them all;
staring at the screen, not saying what you mean.
There's gotta be more to life than complaining.
There's gotta be more that you can offer.
Let me tell you about your flaws.

Everyone is all the same, everyone you know.
Hiding. Watching. Waiting.
You've built this anger because you don't want to put any effort 
into saying something worth saying.
It's the exact same practically.
There's just more to life than not knowing what's going on, and not understanding the real beauty in this world.
It's just about time I break off from the ignorance, and find more things worth looking at and spending time with.
I want to see more true and natural beauty, because there is so much all around us.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Egg (by Andy Weir)


You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Wow.

You really don't know how much it meant that you would share that with me.

Definitely eye-opening, to say the least.

Whew.

November 10th, 2010.
The absolute best night for one reason; I actually have you completely now.
After almost two years, it's here.
I love you, Sydney Mae Walden.
I'm so excited to watch this progress.

November 11th, 2010.
A wonderful night as well.
It was nice having such good time spent with you.
I truly, could not be happier.
But I'm sure you'll find some way to make it happen.
I'm glad you brought up what you did. I'm ecstatic to see where going to church with you could take me.
Who knows what will happen, I'm certain I will learn a lot.
And I'm definitely stoked to feel the spirit within me stepping into the church again, especially with you by my side.
I can already tell you are going to do so much good in my life.

You are true beauty to me.
Thank you for everything you've already shared with me, I can't wait to see what more is to come.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This is;

Not. How I thought things were going to be with you.
It seemed like you were more interested in one of my friends than in I.
Maybe it's just because I'm shy, and not too interesting when there's so much going on, I have no room to speak or actually talk to you. Or in general.
Or is it because I messed up prior to this?
What am I even chasing? Someone please let me in on this, because I always get lost in my own thoughts to where I don't even know what I'm doing.
I was legitimately hunting for you, because I wanted to be with you. Couldn't find you. Then my forgetfulness just ultimately made things no better. Expecting a response from nothingness and all that jazz.
Why can't I just grow up and be the man I want to fucking be to you?
Fuck my shit, right?

I was even warned about you tonight after the fact.
And you know what? It really scares me.
What if things don't change?
If it's me, I want to know. Because now, I am really contemplating if I won't live up to what you think I should be.
You're all I want, so what's wrong with me?
Why can't I give you everything to satisfy your wants and needs?
I don't want to believe this won't go anywhere, but I'm scared I won't be the last one in this.
Why does everyone but me get a bad vibe? I don't get it.
I can't recall the last time I've ever wanted anything this greatly. Which makes the one who warned me happy for me, but they still worry. And I feel worried. I'd like to actually sit and talk and hear from you.

And when I talk to you I don't want to smell that cancer on your fingers.
Maybe that was it. That actually bugged me a lot more than I thought it did.
It was as much what you said after I pointed it out as well.
Is that really why I was so frustrated?
Or was it a combination, because I felt like you were uninterested in me.
I still do to this very moment.
What the fuck is going on?

Brighter side of things, hittin' up both Circa and Sadies this next weekend.
So pumped for that. Gonna wreck.
Especially now that I know my hunch was right, I'm even more excited than I was before.
And how could I know be stoked for that Circa show?
I mean; Circa Survive, Dredg, Codeseven, and Animals As Leaders. (Tosin Abasi FYS)
That'll just feel good to be away.
So good to be away.
I still want to figure out what's going on here, but we'll see.
If I could just have one day with you, maybe I could alter what's going on somehow, make things be working better.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; Fuck not having a license.
I almost think it's just because of what happened. How you said you feel the vibe is different. Is that what is causing this?
Because if i had a car, that probably would have never have happened.
And why were you so bugged by me saying I don't want us to kiss until I can be the only one?
What's even so great about kissing me? You didn't seem that into it whatsoever tonight anyway.
I just confuse myself to easy. I can't stop thinking about it.

You know, I had a dream about you last night.
I was trying to make a move of some sorts, like just putting my arm around you or something, but you kept making it impossible for me to progress into it and into farther.
It was weird, I kept thinking about telling you but the conversation was always somewhere else.
I'll probably tell you today or something.
I don't know.

I don't know what's going on.

Well, on a side note;
'Bout to go get some free breakfast from Nick's hotel.
Hellzz to da yeeee.

Why do I talk like I'm talking to someone?
Who is going to even read this?
If anyone even gets close, they'll read the first little bit, get tired of the bitchin' and ditch.
Oh well, I just need to express my thoughts.

I guess the only thing left to say;
is I love you.
Regardless of how you feel towards me I always will.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I..

I was never asking you to be my girlfriend.

I was just asking you to be mine.
To be my life, and to let me be yours.
To let me make you and to let yourself make me happy.
I am supposed to be different, how am I?

It could have been so easy.
Just to be each others.
For me to be yours,
You to be mine.

Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.

And we're gonna run right back to the start.

So, I found out today.

Next Friday I'm driving up to Salt Lake with Ammon, Luke, Mauricio and Nick to go see Circa Survive, Dredg, Animals as Leaders and Codeseven play at In The Venue. Going to be soooooo bitchin'. Such a nice venue, such an incredible band. Great way to catch a break.

Then, today; I found out that I most likely will be going to Sadie's the next day. I have a strong hunch who is going to ask me, I hope my hunch is right. It'd be a blast if it was.
What a choice weekend 'at'll be. Can't wait.

I can hardly move.

If you want me, why won't you just take me?


I've been yours all along,
So why won't you just stay with me?
Please, just for a little longer.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Day I Lost My Voice.

As sure as the floor 'neath my toes,
And somehow not surprised
That I was superimposed 
Somehow in this life
And if my friends and my foes
Would just drop me a line
That'd be nice

You see love is a drink 
That goes straight to my head
And time is a lover 
And I'm caught in her stead
And the sentiment there follows me
Straight to my bed through the night

I've got my life in a suitcase
And ready to run run run away
I've got no time
'cause I'm always trying to run run run away
'cause everyday it feels like it's only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

What could be an anchor here
With a storm on the rise
When you're never meant to see so clear
When smoke gets in your eyes
And the man in the moon
Never makes his replies understood?

I've got my life in a suitcase
And ready to run run run away
I've got no time
'cause I'm always trying to run run run away
'cause everyday it feels like it's only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

For a moment I was warm and the world made sense
For a moment here this storm had no consequence

I've got my life in a suitcase
And ready to run run run away
I've got no time
'cause I'm always trying to run run run away
'cause everyday it feels like its only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase.




Oh Aaron Marsh, how I love you so.

I'm really tired,

Of getting my hopes up.
I do it every time though.

I just feel sick to my stomach.
Hell, I just suck.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I just want to be around you all the time.

I want to feel this; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weRehwrd5gY
So badly. And; I know I can with you, I'm so close.





Make sure all those mother fuckin' boys know,
She loves me so.